The vicious cycle
It's called denial.
That thing that holds you back from getting to know yourself, from being happy and progressing. First comes fear, then comes denial.
Let me start by saying I have not been doing well with my health...which carries over to my mind (I've noticed). Since I've been feeling terrible, I have been emotional and depressed (not clinically, only emotionally.) I can't remember the last time I wrote and how I was doing then. But now...my BG has been super high all the time. The basal insulin is not enough, so I have been testing the fast-acting insulin taking that once a day. Which I have no idea if that's even working. But my diet is not what it should be. I don't eat healthy. I don't eat like I have diabetes. It's denial. " I'm fine, the food is so good, I don't think my BG will go up, I don't care, etc " -- or my favorite:
"I will eat it only because I know I shouldn't."
I have a better understanding of why people do things even if they were told not to. Like children. You tell them "NO" and it's like they say "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED". They do it especially because you said no. Yup that's me. right now. I totally get it. I eat as much as I can. Which as a disclaimer, I think hunger is an actual side effect of diabetes and high blood sugar. Am I right? I guess I should look that up right now......yup I was right. It's totally a side effect. Oh there I go justifying why I eat so much. ugh I just can't get anywhere.
Back to the insulin. I am still relatively new to this diabetes thing. I'm still scared of the needles. I get angry every time that I have to inject myself. And it hurts. But the biggest thing I've noticed--I think of it as a weakness. I'm embarrassed. I'm nervous. I'm...weak. because my body needs insulin - an artificial replacement to what my wonderful body should be doing for me. So yes, I think taking insulin is a sign of weakness.
"I DO NOT want to take 2 more units of insulin today."
"I should take less today..."
"Nah..don't need the fast-acting insulin. I'm just gonna eat."
"I'm only doing it once a day. I don't need it any more than that."
"BG is 344??? Ugh! I have to take 5 units? Now? Noooo I don't want to....."
^ some things I say daily.
I told myself I wouldn't go through denial. Let me tell you right now, it's inevitable. I'm so depressed about it. I'm so OVER it. I'm hating it. I'm tired. And that's why I'm lazy about it and denying it all!!!
I'm gaining weight. That is the WORST thing for me. I have NO NONE ZIP self control. I have no support, no inspiration and motivation, no goals. Doing it for ME is not enough.
Ugh.....what to do. And that my friends, is why I decided to suddenly type about it today. I'm admitting to my denial and my problem. I'm recognizing the need to change. So...here's to positive change!
That thing that holds you back from getting to know yourself, from being happy and progressing. First comes fear, then comes denial.
Let me start by saying I have not been doing well with my health...which carries over to my mind (I've noticed). Since I've been feeling terrible, I have been emotional and depressed (not clinically, only emotionally.) I can't remember the last time I wrote and how I was doing then. But now...my BG has been super high all the time. The basal insulin is not enough, so I have been testing the fast-acting insulin taking that once a day. Which I have no idea if that's even working. But my diet is not what it should be. I don't eat healthy. I don't eat like I have diabetes. It's denial. " I'm fine, the food is so good, I don't think my BG will go up, I don't care, etc " -- or my favorite:
"I will eat it only because I know I shouldn't."
I have a better understanding of why people do things even if they were told not to. Like children. You tell them "NO" and it's like they say "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED". They do it especially because you said no. Yup that's me. right now. I totally get it. I eat as much as I can. Which as a disclaimer, I think hunger is an actual side effect of diabetes and high blood sugar. Am I right? I guess I should look that up right now......yup I was right. It's totally a side effect. Oh there I go justifying why I eat so much. ugh I just can't get anywhere.
Back to the insulin. I am still relatively new to this diabetes thing. I'm still scared of the needles. I get angry every time that I have to inject myself. And it hurts. But the biggest thing I've noticed--I think of it as a weakness. I'm embarrassed. I'm nervous. I'm...weak. because my body needs insulin - an artificial replacement to what my wonderful body should be doing for me. So yes, I think taking insulin is a sign of weakness.
"I DO NOT want to take 2 more units of insulin today."
"I should take less today..."
"Nah..don't need the fast-acting insulin. I'm just gonna eat."
"I'm only doing it once a day. I don't need it any more than that."
"BG is 344??? Ugh! I have to take 5 units? Now? Noooo I don't want to....."
^ some things I say daily.
I told myself I wouldn't go through denial. Let me tell you right now, it's inevitable. I'm so depressed about it. I'm so OVER it. I'm hating it. I'm tired. And that's why I'm lazy about it and denying it all!!!
I'm gaining weight. That is the WORST thing for me. I have NO NONE ZIP self control. I have no support, no inspiration and motivation, no goals. Doing it for ME is not enough.
Ugh.....what to do. And that my friends, is why I decided to suddenly type about it today. I'm admitting to my denial and my problem. I'm recognizing the need to change. So...here's to positive change!
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