Fear to Faith?
So I was praying today for strength and comfort because I'm going through some hard times. So I just needed to feel hope and feel that I could pour out my heart to God and that He's listening, hopefully. Then as I was praying I had the thought - "What if what I want in life is not what God wants for me? What if He has a different plan??" I froze with fear because I obviously don't have enough faith...faith that he knows what's best for me, faith that he wants me to have the good desires of my heart, and that he does have a great plan for me. But it's not like I want anything bad or out of the ordinary. I actually want what any "mormon" woman wants: a family. a husband and kids. and then to travel the world and take them with me. So why is that so hard when millions of other people get that and maybe that's not even what they want?? So God, what is your plan for me?
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This morning I had a doctor's appointment where I got a full physical and talked about my insulin dosage and if it's working for me, etc etc. I hate the doctor visits. I hate them because that's when you find out something is wrong. Never when something to celebrate or get excited about. Not for me. So to wake up at 7am, go get a physical (and have to wait 2 weeks for results), and then get medication changed to try out new dosage, and have to worry about all my blood sugar numbers and get picky of every aspect of daily life (I don't think many people understand that, unless you have diabetes or other serious illness)...it stressed me out. I already have a fear of a short life...this added fire to that fear. It was 9:07 am and it was already a really bad day.
Then I went on a beautiful hike in a crater right next to the vast ocean. The views were breathtaking and I felt like I could fly. (ok so that's only because the wind was sooo strong) However, the terrain was really rough and steep, really steep. Really dangerous at some points. Going down and up and down and up. (So just thinking about the way back, I knew what I had to look forward to: up and down and up and down.) Even though life is so beautiful and inspiring, it's still hard and there's always ups and downs. Always! At one point, we were lost because we couldn't find this bridge we were looking for. We went way past it. So my friend back tracked to go find it. He called to tell me he might be close and I told him we would catch up. Then I called him - no answer. Eight calls later and still no answer. I was so worried, but still so calm because I trusted him and that he would be ok. Luckily we ran into other hikers and they helped us to the bridge, which is where he was. And he was ok. (With no phone service). But in those moments I was scared of losing someone I really cared about.
There's a point to these stories I promise. It was a hard day. Filled with little worries. I got negative and anxious. I was afraid and contemplative. And that's how this post came about. And that's why I've been pondering this and learning a few things.
So back to my prayer (which was after all this on the drive home from town this evening) and I'm thinking about how hard life is, how I feel the need to "be more", and how maybe I just need to simplify it. (Enter Elder Uchtdorf and his General Conference talk).
I'm thinking of how afraid I am of the future. It's so blank, so unknown. And what if something happened to me like getting hurt so suddenly on this hike? Or worse, something happened to someone else?
Then I realized I need to make now count to make the future as lovely as possible. I just want to live my life in a way that people will feel something special. That's what I want. I realized no matter what, no matter how long I live and what I do in this life, there are definitely some characteristics I want people to remember me by. I want to make a difference and leave my mark. I want to be mentioned in someone's conversation of "people who are inspiring and you just don't know how they do what they do to make you feel awesome". I hope I'm not the only one who thinks like this - "Who am I when I die?" So in answer to that question, I have things I need to work on and improve on to be the person I want to be when I die. I'm just gonna try to articulate a few of them.
To Live Aloha; To Genuinely Care
Passionate About the Journey
1 Nephi 16:28, when Lehi and his family is traveling in the wilderness, they are given a compass - The Liahona. It says, "And it came to pass that I, Nephi, beheld the pointers which were in the ball, that they did work according to the faith and diligence and heed which we did give unto them."
--
This morning I had a doctor's appointment where I got a full physical and talked about my insulin dosage and if it's working for me, etc etc. I hate the doctor visits. I hate them because that's when you find out something is wrong. Never when something to celebrate or get excited about. Not for me. So to wake up at 7am, go get a physical (and have to wait 2 weeks for results), and then get medication changed to try out new dosage, and have to worry about all my blood sugar numbers and get picky of every aspect of daily life (I don't think many people understand that, unless you have diabetes or other serious illness)...it stressed me out. I already have a fear of a short life...this added fire to that fear. It was 9:07 am and it was already a really bad day.
Then I went on a beautiful hike in a crater right next to the vast ocean. The views were breathtaking and I felt like I could fly. (ok so that's only because the wind was sooo strong) However, the terrain was really rough and steep, really steep. Really dangerous at some points. Going down and up and down and up. (So just thinking about the way back, I knew what I had to look forward to: up and down and up and down.) Even though life is so beautiful and inspiring, it's still hard and there's always ups and downs. Always! At one point, we were lost because we couldn't find this bridge we were looking for. We went way past it. So my friend back tracked to go find it. He called to tell me he might be close and I told him we would catch up. Then I called him - no answer. Eight calls later and still no answer. I was so worried, but still so calm because I trusted him and that he would be ok. Luckily we ran into other hikers and they helped us to the bridge, which is where he was. And he was ok. (With no phone service). But in those moments I was scared of losing someone I really cared about.
There's a point to these stories I promise. It was a hard day. Filled with little worries. I got negative and anxious. I was afraid and contemplative. And that's how this post came about. And that's why I've been pondering this and learning a few things.
So back to my prayer (which was after all this on the drive home from town this evening) and I'm thinking about how hard life is, how I feel the need to "be more", and how maybe I just need to simplify it. (Enter Elder Uchtdorf and his General Conference talk).
I'm thinking of how afraid I am of the future. It's so blank, so unknown. And what if something happened to me like getting hurt so suddenly on this hike? Or worse, something happened to someone else?
Then I realized I need to make now count to make the future as lovely as possible. I just want to live my life in a way that people will feel something special. That's what I want. I realized no matter what, no matter how long I live and what I do in this life, there are definitely some characteristics I want people to remember me by. I want to make a difference and leave my mark. I want to be mentioned in someone's conversation of "people who are inspiring and you just don't know how they do what they do to make you feel awesome". I hope I'm not the only one who thinks like this - "Who am I when I die?" So in answer to that question, I have things I need to work on and improve on to be the person I want to be when I die. I'm just gonna try to articulate a few of them.
To Live Aloha; To Genuinely Care
- I want to be someone who genuinely cares about people...and places. I don't want anyone to have any doubts that I cared for them and loved them. But it's hard for me to express love in any form. First of all, I want my family to know that I love them and couldn't do anything without them. They are my rocks. Secondly, I have a lot of close friends that I am so bad in keeping in touch with but I want them to know I never stopped thinking of them and loving them. Then acquaintances, passerbys, people I met while traveling the world...I hope I showed love to them in however many minutes I spent with them. Everyone and everywhere I want the experience with them to be genuine.
Passionate About the Journey
- Yes, I'm obsessed with traveling the world. And that was a passion that started when I was young, with a dream to work with National Geographic, and a dream to see animals. I just loved the Earth. (And beyond.) And the people that worked so hard on it. It's one big giant miracle. So not only do I dream of adventures and how exciting the world is and seeing everything, I also cherish the journey in my own backyard. I love home and I want to take care of it and enjoy it. So no matter where I am and no matter where you are, just be passionate about exploring it. And share that passion! Share what you've seen and learned and learned to love! The journey and the experience is so inspiring, educational, beautiful, thrilling, and more! I can't think of anything much more fun than that.
Good at Domestication
- Is that a real thing? I don't know but I want to be good at it. I want to be the one who gives gifts and cards and flowers and happy things to people who need it. I want to remember birthdays and make those days extra special. I want to be clean in my house and have cool things, matching/unmatching things, and organized things. I want to have a home that anyone can feel welcomed and comfortable. I want to be everyone's mom. I always admired those moms I've met that took care of me just because they wanted to and because they're good at it. I want to be happy and wise enough that I can cheer you up and say nice things. I want to be remembered as the Auntie who always played, as the Sister who was always calm, and as the Mom who always loved.
- "I want people to know me as strong and reliable. I want to be someone who followed her heart and did what is right. I want to be applauded and admired for my talents." -taken from something I wrote back in 2013
Update: I decided also as an answer to my prayer, to read the Book of Mormon. I need to simply build my faith. And I came across a scripture that explains exactly why I need to simply build my faith.
1 Nephi 16:28, when Lehi and his family is traveling in the wilderness, they are given a compass - The Liahona. It says, "And it came to pass that I, Nephi, beheld the pointers which were in the ball, that they did work according to the faith and diligence and heed which we did give unto them."
So my fear is just a lack of faith. And I will not get answers to my prayers unless I have faith - even if it's just a little bit of faith! I need to be improving. I need to be diligent and willing (heed) to have faith. Little by little.
Sure, the future is still very much a mystery. But I still want to go there and make the best of it.
This post is all over the place. Just a pile of thoughts. Trying to make sense of it all.
Anyways, I'm looking forward to how I will change. I'm looking to progress and become that person I want to be remembered for. And I know that all will be well in God's plan for me, whatever that may be.
This post is all over the place. Just a pile of thoughts. Trying to make sense of it all.
Anyways, I'm looking forward to how I will change. I'm looking to progress and become that person I want to be remembered for. And I know that all will be well in God's plan for me, whatever that may be.
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